Saturday, February 10, 2007 ;
2/10/2007 10:03:00 PM
i'm just really realised today.
think of you really differently. i dont know what i do that impacts you so much. but i've set new goals for myself one being to erradicate everything i ever thought which could. thank you for always tryin'a help but you're a contradiction, i've never actually said, cuz i dont wana be fully blunt but sometimes you're full of shit yourself. maybe those sweet lil' things wernt real? haha. i dont know. but its hard to believe that it came from you. if you do love someone else, i'll just be disappointed and convinced you're untrustable. thats alright cuz i was that to you. i admit i was like that. haha. nothing to hide about me being stupid idiotic and fucked up to make such overlooks. oh well. stupid and young and naive what could i have done?
well seriously, everything that comes in contact with me usually doesnt work out well. look i've lost so many friends. i get betrayed so many times.. its uncommon to not see me troubled by friendship/relationship issues. cuz i dont really trust anyone. hmmm. i have no idea why i'm even saying this. anyways i wana thank Kathy. you're really nice to help me. Thanks for being there ((: do really wana thank you. and for everything you do, hope that you'll do well in it and dont worry about him!! haha it'll work out ((: hahas. unlike me, maybe you're not as bad-lucked haha.
anyways. i'm just gonna concentrate on studies and do my best for my O's. thanks for shaking me up, and being so nice to me, i'll always hold a flame for you, but it'll never blow over, at least not now, not this year. i guess i'll have to really fully let go, but, it'll still be there, hidden. wish you everything good this year, just wanted to really help you by, but i guess that cant happen? i wanted to make sure you can at least make it to JC, whether u choose not to or do, but i guess there are enough people stressing you out, helping you out, everywhere i go, i see people helping you, so i'm not needed. i dont know if you'll see this, but i just wana say that you still do mean everything u were, i've tried, and its hard but i'll have to put in more effort to get over you i guess. you seem to have breezed through it. haha. dont know how but if you can, then i'm sure i can. i just wanted to be a close friend, but i think its impossible since i give u stress, increase you problems, i simply cant be in contact with you. you've enough friends helping you, in school, out of school. having lots of fun with them all. especially the guys. lets not get sexist. haha. but if it helps, den have fun with them, besides who am i to have a say? i'm merely a acquaintance. haha. it was like a fairy-tale it was surreal. it doesnt even exist really. i hate it how i realise things from someone else. it hurt me so much, but its the raw truth eh? i doubt you havent moved over it and gone on with someone else. it wasn't really a play thing right? i think it means something to you. i might be wrong, but trust me, sometimes i can hit the jackpot. i dont know how accurate i am, but i really dont know why i've lost all my friends, and you. have i changed so much to become an ass? or why? i really dont know. but whatever it is, i think its time to start blaming myself for being such a bitch and not push it to others. anyhows. i wont die so dont worry.
Loving the song: Outside looking in by Jordan Pruitt. it means quite a load of sentiments. right now it really relates. "You dont know how it feels to be outside the crowd. you dont know what its like to be left out"hmmms. anyhows. i guess i'm getting a little depressed. now i've gone through shan't be sad anymore. okays. uhhms. sighs. kinda sick. went to the docs. inflamation in the throat. i'm so frustrated with myself. i'm so defective. i get sick so easily, i cant even hold a handful of friends, fails in relationships. 2 are enough to set me apart from everyone. i'm super thin, too tall compared to size, eyesight bad, accademically sucky, non-talented. all i have is God. i guess its enough but hmmms. i dont know. sometimes i don't feel like He's even there. In times when you really need him and you cry out, sometimes you don't feel Him. it hurts so much you know? you have no one around you, you're facing the world one-handedly. its very saddening and depressing.
oh well. i think that should be all for now. quite a number of tests next week. not looking forward to it. no way. but hmmm lets just put it this way, what has to come has to come. tuitions gonna start full swing soon. so many things are happening so fast, and i still gotta put up with the trauma of getting over her. i'll marvel myself if i go through this week fine. cuz i know i wont. V Day's next wednesday. if anyone wants to go out, please do tell me, though i kinda think NO one would wana go out. like who's free to not go out with someone else? haha. anyways. no proper plans except tuitions and stuff like that. really depressing and demoralising but hmmms. it has to happen sooner or later. afterall i'm gonna be sitting for my O's right... sighs not looking forward to it.. not at all lahs. i wonder what my reaction would be when i recieve my results.....well lets not go so far.
thats all for now.
wana wish all those people who did well for their O's a huge CONGRATS! and those who didn't its okay. i'm sure you'll do fine when you complete you teritary education! haha. yeahs/
much love
every life is a new experience
