Thursday, January 18, 2007 ;
1/18/2007 02:03:00 PM
when everything comes to an end,
when everything ceases to exist.
when emotions become like lies
when i become nothing to you
you would say that aint true
you'd try to reiterate
but its hard to believe
how you can be doing both
concurrently
by breaking it
does it mean you love me?
is that all so true
i might be fragile
and thats what u dont want
but even so
why now? why me.
why cant you change your decision
ever heard true love persists?
is this true love? when you dont allow me
to even wait for you? its denial
and why?
its heartbreaking.
crying could help
but not if you cried a whole night
no it doesnt
and i have to make myself strong
its just perfectly wonderful.
how this could happen
everything sweet that happened
everything cute that took place
everything sugary you said
everything i believed in
everything i'd do for you
everything i'd sacrifice for you
everything i'd change about myself
everything that you dont know
i understand
but i do give in, if you dont know
i do. and sometimes its huge things.
its not regretting. its cherishing
cherishing what we had.
loving each other again.
i told my dad
he comforted me yeah.
but that wasnt enough
i just couldnt take it.
i was fatigued. plagued by lethargy.
i slept till two and woke up
tears streamed from my eyes
i just couldnt handle it.
it might've been something small.
but to me its painful.
and you know it is. but if that is it
then thats how it would be.
i believed really, a lot in what you said
thats the part that kills me so much
what you know should happen didnt
and what shouldnt happen, happened
its terrorising.i dont know who to seek
i'm just breaking down so much
i should consider skipping school tomorrow.
i dont know. my dad offered me many reasons.
many choices and told me what to do
but it seems impossible. even crying ut to God.
sometimes i just dont know what to say to Him.
its like i'm just at a loss of words.
my heart aches. its killing me.
how'm i supposed to study? i dont see how
its like. how do you want me to do that now?
i'm so breaking down and you want me to study??
to do well for tests? i cant myself. maybe
if you were me yeah. but i cant. you think,
that i dont want to. are you sure? have u not
felt this kinda pain before? i'm sure you have
but then what? isnt it killing you? i mean no.
it doesnt kill you as much as it kills me.
i dont know. up till now i still dont know
what you want me to do. whats best for me.
i dont know how i'm gonna spend my weekends.
those days i'm free and have no work.
those times i need someone to lie on.
those times when i wana tell someone something.
those days when i feel so sad i wana hug someone
those times when i need a true friend beside me.
someone to understand me, help me.
betrayl isnt something small in my life.
if you have gone through you'll know how it is.
i cant just accept any friend as a close or good friend.
its just not like that. its not trust.
its proving yourself actually. but what hurts the most,
isnt just friends. its more of whatever i've seen
whatever i've heard. everything i believed in.
thats what hurts the most. everything i've done.
every effort i'm forked out for you.
and it just comes back as a nice package and breaks me.
i wont blame you. like you said,
perhaps one day i would realise that what you did was right.
but perhaps one day you'll realise what you did was wrong.
and perhaps one day you'll see that all r/s are hard.
and perhaps one day. like my dad said,
if it is for God, then it will always be yours.
perhaps one day we'll meet again. do you remember that line?
when i said that to you, i was a fortress, i didnt care.
and i told you we might meet and get back again, and yeah
we did. didnt we. but this time me loving you more doesnt help
change the fact that you dont love me that much.
yeah. it was what i did. betraying you? maybe. i agree that
seriously i did such a stupid thing. i dont know why.
i dont know. you're a person who doesnt fall to realise
you mistakes. but if so, then why arent you realising that
maybe its wrong. but of course you'll say its right. but how
certain are you? i mean its playable both ways. right?
oh well. i lost my close friend, i lost my friend, now i lose the one i love. its more than disheartening. i've basically lost everything. maybe 2006 and 2007 were terrible years and sure i dont believe everything they say about "oh 2007 is gonna be the BEST year ever" are you sure? it doesnt seem really GOOD you know. i'm quite skeptical. i just dont know what to do anymore. its killing me already just to try to get over this. to let go of everything that i wanted. and yet i know i still have to do it. maybe i should set myself a test. not get into a relationship until the O's are over. i remember stella and shenlynn telling me to just leave her. i know what by doing that it was right. i mean she desrved no better. practically a slut in a cute girl's image. but this is different. why must we both be so strong headed? why must we not be the same? i'm listening to James Morrison's Wonderful World. "i know that its a wonderful from the sky down to the sea". hmmms. no thats not always true as seen here. i'm gonna flunk all my tests.
i've set myself targets and i will overcome them. but right now. i just really need some help from some people. i dont know who. but if you really wana help me. and if i mean something to you, at least i mean something to another human being on earth other than my parents. then do message me. i just dont know what to do. just know that if you do advise me, i might not take it wholeheartedly. but i just think that maybe if i had some others helping me by and by, maybe i'll turn out less of a moron and a fiasco. anyways. there's a math re-re-exam and if i do go to school i'll have to take my chem test too i think. i'm sure i would flunk them though. i mean what gives you the impression that i wont? so what. flunk all of them then get white form. what the hell. it doesnt really matter does it? i mean i'm not waiting after school for 6 hours anymore am i? i'm not calling you everyday anymore. i'm not messaging you that often, in fact none at all today. i dont hug you, kiss you or do anthing with you anymore do i? so if that means to get white form, then so be it. who gives a damn about it anyways. its only a silly form where you get fucking controlled. i wont say i'm pissed now. i'm disappointed, yes i did disappoint you too. i'm hurt. sure i did hut you too. its just quite unbelievable. unreasonable. maybe i mean. rarely do i do things just cause i WANT TO and i have no reason. but since thats what you chose then so be it. i mean i dont know what defects about me can make you not want me anymore. what? you've seen my true colours since like months ago, i'm not that ugly or bitchy am i? is my character idiotic? and impossible to handle? i dont know you see. sigh. whatever it is. i'm just getting more and more tired. i just dont feel like i wana get into another relationship anytime soon. i dont know. anyhoots.
i guess its till here
and i would like to plead with all you people who are willing to help, please do help. its you that i need. i mean i'm picky and fussy but i wont be that picky unless its a rude case, implausible. i dont know. we'll see how it goes anyway.
p.s i did read your blog, and hmmms. the last part wasnt directed to me was it? if it was, then its not really true. especially the part. you wish you'd believe that i'd come back to you? when? are you sure? cuz i dont think you want me to. at least not now. and i'm sure you'll find many people. you're not that pretty, but you have a beauty of yourself. and you would do it all over again. if you dont even wana love me now, what would make you love me next time? oh wells. anyways. i wana say that i'm sorry for being so sticky, so controlling, demanding and i really think that even till now, maybe we should never have gone out becuase you're way superior than i am. i dont deserve someone like you. you're out of my league. really. i wana help you. i really do. i dont need to be a boyfriend to you, but i wana be there for you like you were for me. i'm sorry for giving you so much stress. for not giving you room. for everything bad i'm done. if you dont wana accept it, its ok. i believe that theres a time to be sorry for things you've done. to learn that maybe its not always right to just get over things like that. you're not stupid okays? really. you're not. i wont love a stupid person. but you wernt so thats why i loved you. of course you can say that i'm also stupid. so i'm stupid to have loved a stupid person. haha. but oh wells. hmmms. wasnt that "haha" my frist in this whole thing? well. if i wrote this for my literature essay i'd impress mr chai. sighs. anyways.
i miss those times when we had so much fun. when we didnt have troubles. when we were all so happy. i miss those times whe you helped me through everything, yes dependent on you, but i miss them. i miss those times when your cards made me smile. it would suddenly being me up. i miss those time when you'd encourage me. its so convincing. i miss the time when you bought me the white rose with delia and i bought you the 6 roses? when you gave me the red rose after i came back from Aust. when u picked me up from the airport. i miss the time when we walked to holland from my house. i miss the time when we take pics. whether nice or not. i miss the time you were so supportive of me when i was a prefect. i miss the time when we would go for so many movies where it would make me happy. i miss all the shopping. i miss the introduction of new places like esplanade and so on so forth. but most of all, i miss you more than any string of words can show or prove.
This is Cascada's vesion of Truly,Madly,Deeply:
I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply, do..
I will be strong
I will be faithful
Because I am counting on a new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning yeah
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky
I'll make a wish send it to heaven
That'll make you wanna cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection
Of the highest power and lonely hours
The tears divide you
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
Oh, can't you see it baby?
Don't have to close your eyes
'cause it's standing right before you
All that you need will surely come
I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need
I love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply, do..
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
(I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me)
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
sigh. i never imagined that a song like THIS can be so touching. i mean Truly,Madly,Deeply wasn never a song that i LOVED and adored or found it sweet. but now. it has changed my mindset.
Then there's DHT's I GO Crazy:
I go crazy
When I look in your eyes
I still go crazy
No my heart just can't hide that feeling inside
Way deep down inside
Oh baby you know when I look in your eyes
I go crazy
Yeah. i still do go crazy. well for now i still do.
Stand By You by Girls Aloud:
Oh why'd you look so sad
tears are in your eyes
come on and come to me now
dont be ashamed to cry
let me see you through
cuz i've seen the dark side too
when the night falls on you
dont know what to do
nothihng you can say can make me love you less
hmmms. thats quite true. sighs. oh wells. i guess i'm exhausted of songs to show now. sighs. anyhows. i hope that at least my life turns around. i dont feel fit for school at all. a frown goes across my face and i'm supposed to go to school? hmmms. no i dont think so.anyhows. i guess i shall end off here. well i wanted to just now but i didnt. anyhows. this is all. the longest post i've had up on my blog ever. anyways. for those who have read till here, i wana ask you again. if you would help i'd be really happy.
thanks you guys
much lvoe to you all
every life is a new experience
