Tuesday, December 12, 2006 ;
12/12/2006 11:32:00 PM
its such an irony.
the thing that you wana do the most turns out to be the most painful and the hardest thing to accept. wait isnt that how everything is?
you know how sometimes you feel like you're fighting for yourself in this world? all alone? its like you're suffering a series of battles that are never-ending? its like you wana give up but you'll either regret it or get killed. well simply, you wana die. its so irnoical how sometimes people say they understand you and know what you're talking about but then the thing is that they actually dont? wait. many people do that too dont they?
if someone who knows you like the back of their hand says something thats inocrrect about you and does not totally understand you fully yet says he/she does, it hurts doesnt it? ignorance? i dont think ignorance is bliss. its like practice doesnt make perfect you know. no one is perfect. practice only makes you better. thats all. ignorance is disgusting. and i apologise countless times for my bluntly edged ignorance in countless situations too. well the thing is the person doesnt know at all? is that possible? that they're ignorant and they say they know u and they dont and you just wana die cuz you've put in quite a fair bit of effort into completing a task for someone? its such a turn of tables how a happy mood can be made terrible, can be foiled in minutes.
am i a very incoherent person? do i bullshit a lot? am i irritating? i swear its like i am everything that everyone's not. its like people hate me for God's sake. am i loathesome? am i such a hard person to befriend? am i detestful? soulful? incorrigible? saucy? supercilicious? am i all that? am i a brat? do i deserve all this shit? is this some revenge for my past wrongdoings? should i just die to end everyone's troubles? no? yes? i dont know. its just so saddening. how something seems perfectly alright to someone when he/she knows jollywell that it would trigger off a domino effect. i mean bluntness has to be forgiven sometimes, but not so often. its not the first and surely not the last time this is happening. i feel defeated. i'm getting all so tired of fighting for something that doesnt exist. i'm so so so gonna give up soon if nothing happens. i'm gonne be done soon. i cant take this much longer. its tiresome you know. its like how your best friend is actually the traitor. its exactly that. sigh. i dont know.
i blabber too much i guess i should just ask God to make me stupider. maybe its part of His plan that i suspect so much, think of so many things. maybe its part of His plan that i would mentally breakdown cuz i cant take it. oh and maybe this isn't His plan at all its just that i was too stubborn to even listen to Him. but He wont let me take a wrong road. so why? sighh.
i'm too spent to recount my Japan trip. i came back and i'm dead. shall try lighting that fire in myself once more and try carrying on this race. till then.
every life is a new experience
